I have been dating a guy from work. His name is Drew. We are very discreet about everything, so the work thing isn’t the problem.
It’s just that I’m spending too much time thinking him and it is making me not want to date him anymore. Ugh.
I don’t like the feeling of liking someone, especially when it seems unlikely that he will be the right fit. He isn’t very ambitious and he doesn’t work very hard. I’m the opposite. Responsible is my middle name. And I’m just not sure how mature he is.
Despite this, we’ve only been on FOUR DATES and I spend all my time thinking about him. I don’t want to like him as much as I do.
I haven’t dated anyone in ages.
I haven’t LIKED anyone in ages. Pretty much all I do is go to work and come home.
It’s crazy, because I actually like someone for the first time in forever, but I spend so much time thinking about him that I want to call it all off.
Your heart is a bit ahead of your head in this one, I suspect.
Maybe you expected to get a little more time to analyze, compute how this person might fit into your life. Maybe you didn’t expect to actually like him.
Welcome, L., to life. To one of the great joys of being human.
The challenge, then, is to leave your heart open and allow yourself to be vulnerable — and I suspect you are trying to do that, but in perfect, measured, appropriate amounts.
It doesn’t always work like that.
You can’t control everything. (And life is a lot more fun that way.)
So here are my big questions. Do you know that he isn’t the right fit? Or are you just afraid that he isn’t because you like him?
I am not hearing, “I should end this now” red flags from you.
I am hearing, “I like this person and it is scary,” with a dash of, “He isn’t quite how I expected him to be, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
Anyway, I know you. Maybe have planned out everything. Maybe you have always been good.
Maybe you weren’t good (for about two seconds) in the past, and it caught up to you, so you went back to being good.
Because if you are good, you can control everything, right?
You will be in control and nothing will ever hurt.
And maybe you hid for years.
You didn’t meet anyone.
You went to work and you came home, and that was your life — for years.
But this person, this Drew, came and found you in your cave.
And it’s a little uncomfortable, to try to get to know someone again, especially someone who isn’t a high achiever, who maybe is a little bit of a slacker.
So now, you have a choice:
You can be good and you can stay in your cave and you can be alone and beautiful and cold in your high-achieving world. That is certainly an option.
Or you can venture out and see what this Drew person has to offer you.
It might be very good.
It might be kind of fun. (Slackers know how to have fun. They also know how to relax.)
It might not be forever. No one can really say right now.
But it will be an experience, and experiences are valuable. It sounds almost like the only experience you have had lately is hiding in your cave. Hiding in your cave and going to work and trying to be good. And maybe hiding in your cave has nothing left to teach you. So what can you learn, then, from Drew?
Something to ponder.
P.S. Have a question for me? Submit it here.